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As Seen on TV

Fake/Joke Newspaper Article C-132
Laura Bush vs. Teresa Heinz Kerry
Celebrity Death-Match

This is one "Celebrity Death-Match" we'd like to see...

 
Fake/Joke Newspaper Article Text -- Copyright © 2007 TrixiePixGraphics


Aftermath of Brief Scuffle Between Laura and Teresa

Celebrity Death-Match -- When Good Girls Go Bad

By Mike Peters
AP Reporter

Philadelphia, PA—

It started with an off-color comment by Teresa Heinz Kerry on Tuesday to the effect that Laura Bush had never held a job. Ms. Kerry apologized immediately, saying she had “forgotten” about Laura Bush’s teaching career. But this incident seemed to have sparked a hotter flame in what’s been described as “a tension” between the two high-powered women.

“Teresa has a mouth,” quipped a Bush spokesperson. “It gets her into trouble.”
“Laura has been nothing but gracious despite jab after jab by [Teresa] Kerry. I don’t know how Laura retains her composure,” admitted one of Teresa’s own campaign executives.

But the rift grew wider when the two women crossed paths in Philadelphia today, and Teresa Heinz Kerry was heard to make several derogatory comments about Laura Bush.

“I was pretty shocked,” said a Secret Service employee who asked not to be identified. “The Kerry woman just doesn’t know when to quit.”

As the First lady’s entourage crossed paths with the Kerry group entering the banquet room of a posh downtown hotel, Teresa made a sudden move toward Laura which triggered a knee-jerk reaction by the Secret Service.

“We wouldn’t normally consider Teresa Heinz Kerry a threat,” comments one agent, “but any time there’s a sudden movement, all of our instincts go into high gear.”
While no one seems exactly sure of Teresa’s intent, several witnesses confirm that Teresa was making comments under her breath as she approached Mrs. Bush that were, according to some, “unfit for a lady”.

As Teresa came within arm’s reach of Laura, a Secret Service agent moved to intercede. There was a “brief contact” said a spokesman, in which the agent brushed aside one of Teresa’s arms. That’s went things went downhill.
“I’m really very sorry,” said the First lady. “I really didn’t mean to hurt [Teresa]. I was just afraid for Mr. Stipman.”

It seems Laura thought Teresa had slapped her personal body guard, and in a split second, before anyone could react, Laura Bush inflicted injuries to Ms. Kerry which were later diagnosed as “serious and substantial.”

Ms. Kerry was taken away by ambulance; Mrs. Bush removed a band-aid from her purse and applied it to her cheek, then continued with her duties at the banquet.
The Kerry team vows to sue.

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