Fake Newspapers: Santa Barbara Police Beat Me Up! (Michael Jackson Spoof)

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As Seen on TV

Local man is beaten by Santa Barbara Deputies

Local Man Loses Liver, Self Respect

By Sammy Smith
AP Reporter

Santa Barbara, California —

Michael Jackson’s recent allegations of abuse at the hands of Santa Barbara’s Deputies may have a whiplash effect as new complaints are leveled at the department.

Local man, Casey Jones, has stepped forward to claim that he, too, was abused and threatened while being booked for jay-walking in early December of this year.
Jones, a 34 year old insurance salesman from Queens, New York, says he wasn’t even guilty in the first place—-so why was he arrested and booked?

“I was walking exactly in the middle of the crosswalk,” claims Jones. “They came running at me with guns drawn and knocked me to the ground right in the middle of the street. I got a fractured tibia and I’m blind in one eye from that.”

But according to Jones, that was just the beginning.

Court records claim that as Jones was processed at the Santa Barbara Sheriff’s facility, Deputies knocked him down repeatedly, kicked him in the groin, asked him if he had ever seen an ‘Indian Rope Burn’ and did he want one—and verbally abused Mr. Jones for roughly one hour before letting him go.

Jones’ attorney, Mark Geragos, claims that Jones was also locked in a bathroom in which Jones reportedly ‘saw a fly on the wall’, and was taunted by Deputies during this period. “This is nothing short of Medieval torture,” claimed the prominent attorney during a press interview.

Jones accepted an invitation to air his story on the new Geraldo Rivera show, where he exposed what appeared to be a long, red scar on his side, though studio witnesses have said it looked more like the mark from a red felt pen. Jones claimed this was evidence that the Santa Barbara Sheriff’s office also stole one kidney while he was incarcerated.

“Hey,” lamented Jones. “I got rights just like that little pervert Michael Jackson. They almost killed him. Now he’s gonna sue them big. Well, I guess I can too!”

During a recent impromptu interview with reporters, Jones backtracked slightly on his missing kidney claim and said that he’d been mistaken—-it was actually his liver that was removed by Deputies.

“There wasn’t no Novocain neither,” yelled Jones as his attorney tried to intervene to halt the conference. “It hurt like hell! What am I going to do now without my liver!”
Jones claimed in court documents that he was also sexually molested by Deputies, his dog was beaten, and he was unable to have a bowel movement for ‘about a month’ after the incident.

The Santa Barbara Sheriff’s office has said Jones, and Jackson, should ‘go F*ck themselves’.

For once, Geragos had no reply.

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