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As Seen on TV
Fake/Joke Newspaper Article C-130
The Santa Barbara, California Police Department: A Gang of Meanies
(Just ask Michael Jackson)

Michael Jackson. Why won't he just GO AWAY? We figure Michael's probably a pervert. We feel he probably ought to be in jail for something. We also feel his current trial for child molestation (circa 2005) is absolute bunk. We're confident he'll be acquitted, but he should never have been brought to trial based on what the district attorney had in this particular case. It's a scam. It's a sham. It's nonsense. And it's costing you hundreds of thousands of dollars.
Still......whatever smidgen of respect we may have had for Michael Jackson evaporated when he accused the Santa Barbara police of beating him up before the trial ever began. One of his claims was that the cops had dislocated his shoulder---but he was filmed twenty minutes later dancing and gyrating on the roof of his limo. One of our staff once DID have a dislocated shoulder. Trust us when we say that NO ONE dances and gyrates for many weeks after suffering a dislocated shoulder. Michael Jackson lied. Period. That's our take. If he lied so spectacularly about that, chances are good he lies about everything else. We're confident the Santa Barbara police treated Michael with such kid gloves that it was enough to make us upchuck had we witnessed it.
Still, just for fun, this is OUR version of what REALLY happens to just about everybody the Santa Barbara police get their dirty little hands on.
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Fake/Joke Newspaper Article Text -- Copyright © 2007 TrixiePixGraphics |
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Local man is beaten by Santa Barbara Deputies
Local Man Loses Liver, Self Respect
By Sammy Smith
AP Reporter
Santa Barbara, California —
Michael Jackson’s recent allegations of abuse at the hands of Santa Barbara’s Deputies may have a whiplash effect as new complaints are leveled at the department.
Local man, Casey Jones, has stepped forward to claim that he, too, was abused and threatened while being booked for jay-walking in early December of this year.
Jones, a 34 year old insurance salesman from Queens, New York, says he wasn’t even guilty in the first place—-so why was he arrested and booked?
“I was walking exactly in the middle of the crosswalk,” claims Jones. “They came running at me with guns drawn and knocked me to the ground right in the middle of the street. I got a fractured tibia and I’m blind in one eye from that.”
But according to Jones, that was just the beginning.
Court records claim that as Jones was processed at the Santa Barbara Sheriff’s facility, Deputies knocked him down repeatedly, kicked him in the groin, asked him if he had ever seen an ‘Indian Rope Burn’ and did he want one—and verbally abused Mr. Jones for roughly one hour before letting him go.
Jones’ attorney, Mark Geragos, claims that Jones was also locked in a bathroom in which Jones reportedly ‘saw a fly on the wall’, and was taunted by Deputies during this period. “This is nothing short of Medieval torture,” claimed the prominent attorney during a press interview.
Jones accepted an invitation to air his story on the new Geraldo Rivera show, where he exposed what appeared to be a long, red scar on his side, though studio witnesses have said it looked more like the mark from a red felt pen. Jones claimed this was evidence that the Santa Barbara Sheriff’s office also stole one kidney while he was incarcerated.
“Hey,” lamented Jones. “I got rights just like that little pervert Michael Jackson. They almost killed him. Now he’s gonna sue them big. Well, I guess I can too!”
During a recent impromptu interview with reporters, Jones backtracked slightly on his missing kidney claim and said that he’d been mistaken—-it was actually his liver that was removed by Deputies.
“There wasn’t no Novocain neither,” yelled Jones as his attorney tried to intervene to halt the conference. “It hurt like hell! What am I going to do now without my liver!”
Jones claimed in court documents that he was also sexually molested by Deputies, his dog was beaten, and he was unable to have a bowel movement for ‘about a month’ after the incident.
The Santa Barbara Sheriff’s office has said Jones, and Jackson, should ‘go F*ck themselves’.
For once, Geragos had no reply.
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