Fake Newspapers, Gag Birthday Gifts: Run for California Governor. To hell with Arnold Schwartzenegger, Mary Carey, and Gary Coleman, You Gonna be da Gov!

You know how hard it is to find a TRULY unique gift. Well, now you've found one. Representing some of the finest, most outrageous entertainment you'll ever find for pocket change. You'll receive ten (10) copies (3 copies when ordering full page format, or 2 copies of the "whole newspaper" selection). You do NOT have to supply your photo (same price either way). The backs of each article are covered in generic, unrelated text to complete the look and feel of absolute authenticity. "Pocket clippings" are printed on 36 x 36 inch pallet sheets of newsprint, then torn from the sheet to look as though they're torn from a real newspaper---which they are! Other formats are printed life-size on individual sheets. Our articles will fool virtually anyone. You'll keep these for years in scrapbooks and picture albums, you'll send them to relatives, friends, co-workers, ex-friends and victims, and you'll never again have so much fun for lunch money!

As Seen on TV

Jones says he's "gonna live here".

Newest Candidate in California Race

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., used in these sample fake newspaper stories, are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.)

With the recall of California’s governor Gray Davis likely, would-be, wanna-be and won’t-ever-be candidates are coming out of the proverbial woodwork to take his place. Take Arnold Schwartzenegger. Please. But seriously, California needs leadership consumerate with the quality of its people. For such a silly state, populated by such a silly people, an admittedly fatuous Schwartzenegger is grossly overqualified. Mary Carey the porn star is too fat. And Gary Coleman is just too damned short. That leaves a power vacuum that Casey Jones is determined to fill.

Jones, a 34 year old unemployed roofer, says he, and he alone, has The Right Stuff to lead Disneyland—-er, we mean California into the next financial fiasco—-er, we mean millennium. Jones sites a long history of balancing his own checkbook (he doesn’t even use the cheat sheet on the back of his statement, a skill which, on its own merit, places him far above Gray Davis), and he says he got a C+ GPA all through Junior High. "Let's see Awney beat that!" Jones taunts proudly. "Hell, he don't even speak good American!" Jones admits the competition is stiff, what with "that midget and that whore" out there making fools of themselves, but feels he has a better than average shot at the title. "You know," Jones speculates, "how Thelma and Louis were victorious at the end? Well, that's exactly the kind of heart these voters are going to see when I step into the ring. Hey! I got me a GED."

Vegas is giving odds on the upcoming Battle Royale, with Jones still the underdog behind Minnie Mouse and the late James Dean, but leading significantly over current Governor Gray Davis and silly wanna-be Arnold Schwartzen-whoever. As one Sin-City mobster mused, "If Jones can win anywhere it's in Disneyland—-er, I mean California. Them's the dumbest sons of bitches on Muhammad's green earth, I kid you not."

Jones has remained undaunted amid oceans of skepticism and hostile ridicule. As a conclusion to this Denny’s-restaurant interview and in an apparent tactic to demonstrate his stalwartness, Jones jumped onto the coffee counter, socked himself in the eye with the bottom of the ice-water pitcher, and started yelling "ADRIAN! ADRIAN!" As the news crew hurriedly left the scene the patrons were chanting "RAW—CKY. RAW—CKY."

Or was that another cinematic boondoggle…

See "Ah Gonna be da Gov’" Page D-5

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