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Letterman Award

Yes, it's again that magical time of the year when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us:

Here are the glorious winners:

1. When his 38 - caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
 
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space...understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayohad escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer: $15.  (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the purse-snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Yipsilanti, Michigan , at 5 a.m, flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

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Personalized Fake and Joke Newspapers and Personalized Newspapers and Personalized Headlines for Gags and Gifts, Birthdays, Movies and Plays, Advertising, Publicity Stunts, Baby Showers, Wedding Showers, Stag Parties, Corporate Recognition, Awards, Thank You's, Revenge, Make a Point, Birth and Death Announcements, Wedding and Marriage Announcements, Practical Jokes, Cerebral Terrorism, Personalized Birthday Gags, Gifts. Fake Newspapers available in Small (pocket clipping) size, Full single page, Whole newspaper, Giant Poster, and Tabloid (by special request)

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Choices for Fake Newspaper Page Format

 Small Format$16.95 10 Copies
 Full Page Formats (includes tabloids)$24.95   4 Copies
 Whole Newspaper Format$39.95   2 Copies
 Newspaper Poster $49.95    1 Copy

Common Formats


Entire (Whole) Newspaper Format (below)
The standard order ($39.95) yields two (2) copies

Printed in color (some default images are in color, some are in black and white; your image (if you supply one, is printed as it is supplied to us, whether color or black and white). Measures 27 inches wide, by 23.5 inches tall, which is the approximate size of most full-format newspapers around the world. Unlike our competitors our papers are printed on an actual Newspaper printing press. Other companies send you your product on WHITE PAPER!!

The page featured below depicts the headline page which is set up for regular news stories. You may specify a headline, or leave it as a generic headline which is unrelated to your story. All pages are edged across the top and bottom just like a REAL newspaper. They are hand folded together to look like section "A" of a paper. Put this beauty in front of your victim er--FRIEND, and there can be ABSOLUTELY NO DOUBT as to the credibility of your story. After all, who on earth would go to the trouble of creating a whole newspaper for a joke? It must be true! Backs and other pages are printed with generic filler text and/or ads. And it goes without saying that you may change the newspaper name (no trademarked or Copyrighted newspaper names, please) and date. This format is shipped, folded three times, in a flat mailer.

Fake Newspaper Example, "Whole" size

Click Image for More "Whole Newspaper" Examples
Video of "whole" size


Full Sized Inside Single Page format (below)
The standard order ($24.95) yields four (4) copies

Printed in color (some default images are in color, some are in black and white; your image (if you supply one), is printed as it is supplied to us, whether color or black and white). Measures 23.5 tall by 13.5 wide. It is set up to simulate a single inside page. Backs are printed with generic text and ads that are unrelated to your story. This format is designed to be inserted into an existing newspaper, such that your victim "stumbles onto" your story. Or it can be left lying around, as though it slipped from an existing newspaper. This size does not offer space for a newspaper headline, though you may specify an article headline. We perforate the edge along the top of one copy, and along the side of the second copy; there is no perforated edge on the third copy. This ensures that you have the best chance of matching the format of any existing newspaper. Also, we've made this sheet the size of the largest newspaper in production so that it won't be too small to fit in to your local paper. We've allowed a generous margin, top and bottom, in case you need to trim it slightly to fit your local newspaper's size. This format is shipped, folded three times, in a flat mailer unless a poster-tube (and no folds) is requested (no additional charge unless overnight rush shipping is stipulated; inquire about this option).

Fake Newspaper Example, "Full" size


Small / Pocket Format (below)
You
receive ten (10) copies in a standard order ($16.95)

Printed in grayscale only (color not available for this size/format). Measures roughly 6 x 9 inches, depending on the length of the article. It's printed in large sheets, then torn from the sheets, as though it was torn from a full sized newspaper. This is the most inexpensive option; still, it'll fool your mark almost every time---think of it as the "Ford Pinto" of authenticity. It is also printed on the reverse with generic text which has nothing to do with the story on the front. This size does not offer space for a newspaper headline, though you may specify an article headline. These are great for keeping a few copies in your wallet to spring on folks when the mood strikes and the time is right. We've found that keeping a couple of copies in a wallet over the period of a week does wonders for its authenticity. This format is the only option available in "Small". The top border is "edged" for realism. The image and text are, of course, replaced with your image and text. Bulk rates are available for businesses using the product as a promo tool or gag. This format is shipped, unfolded, in a flat mailer.

Fake Newspaper Example, Small Size 


Newspaper Poster (below)
The standard order ($49.95) yields one (1) copy

GIANT POSTER SIZE
Approx. 42 x 75 inch poster of your newspaper article

Printed as shown. The newspaper poster is available in one format---the full front page. It measures about 42 x 75 inches (International orders are trimmed to 41 x 75 inches). It's printed on heavy poster stock (5 mil, stiff), and textured per the second inset image below, which is represented at actual size. The poster is shipped rolled in a heavy poster tube. The newspaper poster may be used for sports advertising (e.g. Little League games, basketball games, etc. (make one up showing your team with the winning score to intimidate the opposition, or take one to the pro game to let the players know what you think of them)) or for store-front sale ads. Other uses include: Homecoming parties, stag parties, announcements of events, employee awards, general office, restaurant or business decor, or to make a point loud and clear (add a dazzling touch to protests and marches, e.g. Headline: CLINTON SUCKS). Not water or UV resistant. Measurement scale shown below of course does not print. Standard order is one (1) copy. Any article, including custom-written orders, is available as a poster.

Fake Newspaper Example, Poster Size

Below: Section from above, shown actual size
Click for larger view of poster size

Fake Newspaper Example, Poster size close-up



INQUIRE about specialty formats (below)

Tabloids Measure 13.5 H x 21.5 W
Available as inside pages or headlines

Fake Newspaper Example, Tabloid size

 

Fake Newspaper Example, Tabloid size


We maintain a full stock of "aged" newsprint (below)
Set up a fake pirate's treasure gag, or write a story
from the thirties showing the cemetery your friend's
house is built on. Write an article describing your
own wedding in 1879 (a la "Highlander"). Perhaps
your grandfather went down with the Titanic (you
saved the clipping all these years). Your great-
grandfather chased girls with President Lincoln.
Brainstorm it over a few beers. You'll be AMAZED
at the possibilities. Printed in grayscale only.

Choose "Aged Newsprint" when ordering

Fake Newspaper Exampls, aged and new
Image above is actual photograph of new and aged newsprint
Actual age and color may vary somewhat from roll to roll

Fake Newspaper Example, Aged newsprint
Image above depicts the look and feel of our "aged" newsprint, NOT the format.


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