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Yes, it's again that magical time of the year when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us:
Here are the glorious winners:
1. When his 38 - caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space...understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayohad escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer: $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the purse-snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Yipsilanti, Michigan , at 5 a.m, flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
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TrixiePixie Graphics®, Channel54News®, and the "Resting Bird" graphic are Registered Trademarks. TrixiePixGraphics™, National-Media™, and FakeNewspapers™ are Trademarks of TrixiePixie Graphics®. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. TrixiePixie Graphics®, Channel54News®, TrixiePix Graphics™ and FakeNewspapers™ are Protected under US and International Law. Copyrights © 1982 - 2010 TrixiePixie Graphics®. All Rights Reserved.
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Return Policy:
Our return policy is simple: We do not accept returns.
Nearly all of our products are permanently personalized for the customer at the time they're ordered. We certainly cannot resell your personalized product. We have occasionally had customers order personalized fake newspapers or fake newspaper posters which they used for a party of some type, then ask for a refund. If your personalized product contains a typo, we will gladly remanufacture it correctly and ship it immediately. But the fact is, we almost never make mistakes. If we do, there's no need to scream and curse and threaten us with lawsuits---simply ask politely for a replacement. But this policy is to be applied within reason. If you're a spoiled-brat CEO and you've simply changed your mind after ordering $300 worth of custom gift-wrap, for instance, we will not replace your product unless you can demonstrate a real and documentable flaw that renders the product unusable. If you try to invent issues that don't exist, we'll simply cut you off. We average less than one mistake per year out of many thousands of orders. We are very good at what we do.
We sell a few products (e.g. fake pregnancy tests, fake medical kits, etc.) which are not and can not be personalized. Occasionally we'll receive a request for a refund (about once every four or five years), the customer stating that they had intended to play a joke on their boyfriend but decided not to, or that their sister bought it for them and they would never use such a product. We'll say we're sorry, but that we have no way of knowing what the item has been subjected to, and we cannot ship it back out to another customer without dismantling and re-making the product. In that case we'd be better off to simply throw the item away, and since we'd go broke throwing our products away, we elect not to do that.
This is a very simple concept: Please be sure you actually want something before you buy it. We sell around the world and this seems to be largely an American problem. We are in the business of selling products. We are not in the business of loaning products for free, nor are we in the business of sending free samples, nor are we in the business of satisfying the sometimes childish whims of some customers.
If you purchase a product from us and it is not flawed, you own it. We are not interested in buying it back.
We offer no returns or refunds. We will REPLACE your product instantly if we've made a mistake in its production.
Thank you,
TrixiePixieGraphics.com / FakeNewspapers.com
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