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Letterman Award

Yes, it's again that magical time of the year when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us:

Here are the glorious winners:

1. When his 38 - caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
 
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space...understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayohad escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer: $15.  (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the purse-snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Yipsilanti, Michigan , at 5 a.m, flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

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The following message appears during your checkout process;
This page contains a comprehensive explanation of the "REASON 27" problem

 

WARNING!

THIS ORDER MAY BE CANCELLED!

[REASON 27] DECLINES:

WHAT IT IS, AND WHAT TO DO:

 

The address you enter during checkout must exactly match the address your card issuer has on file for your account. If it doesn't, "the system" will automatically decline the transaction.

The system that checks your address is called "AVS" (Address Verification System).

As credit card fraud skyrockets, ALL online credit card processors are REQUIRING merchants to use this AVS system, or not get paid; merchants may even have their merchant account shut down.

AVS sucks.

Why does AVS suck? It sucks because:

You (the customer) might enter your address EXACTLY as it appears on your bank statement, yet your order will still be declined due to an "AVS Mismatch".

This is NOT supposed to happen, but it does. We lose half a dozen orders per day due to this, and we're damned mad.

If this order is declined due to "REASON 27", it is because:

(1) You're using a stolen credit card (in our experience only about 15% of REASON 27 declines are due to this).

(2) You're trying to have your order shipped to an address that is different from the address you gave your bank or credit card company (about 30%) (more and more companies are no longer allowing shipments to alternate addresses because if they do, they very often don't get paid).

(3) You accidentally entered your address info with a typo on the form (please try it again, this time with an actual copy of your bank statement in front of you, and make sure you enter every single character EXACTLY as it appears on your statement, and that includes caps and lower case (AVS can be CASE SENSITIVE!) (about 20% of transaction failures are due to this).

(4) You might have entered your address info absolutely correctly, but YOUR BANK has not bothered to update this info with its main headquarters, which is where the AVS system looks for the address data it needs to verify. Many, MANY banks simply don't "GET" that they MUST update your address info to their main office, or your online transactions will fail. We estimate that about 30% of all banks don't understand this (35% of all REASON 27 DECLINES are due to numbers 4 and 5). You may have moved, even as long as six months ago, and supplied your new address to your bank, but your bank didn't bother to update that new address in the system at their headquarters.

(5) You may have provided your bank with your accurate address info, and your bank DID update that info to THEIR headquarters, but they "forgot" to update that info to the CARD ISSUER ALSO, which may be VISA or MasterCard (this is very common in the case of debit cards).

Why can't banks do their jobs correctly? Why can't they GRASP the implications, the time wasted, the frustrations and inconvenience that people are put to when they DON'T DO THEIR JOBS? This is written on the fourth day of triple-digit stock market declines, October 9, 2008. Do you STILL believe that ANY banking institution is in ANY WAY competent, efficient, or even remotely honest? Banks simply are NOT DOING THEIR JOBS. They've forced their ways into the lives of nearly every citizen in the world -- then made it difficult or even impossible to transact the business with them that you need to. Great people, bankers. -Not.

 

WHAT TO DO IF YOU ARE DECLINED FOR [REASON 27]:

(1) Try entering your address again, this time with a copy of your credit card or banking statment right in front of you. Copy every single character in the address EXACTLY as it appears on your statement, and make sure to get the caps and lower-case the same (on this very day we confirmed a case where the ONLY reason the transaction was being declined was due to a case error, and THAT is RIDICULOUS). The system will allow you at least three tries, maybe as many as five. After that, it thinks you're a freaking terrorist (a fraudster) and it will lock you out. It MAY allow you to try again after midnight of that day, or it may make you wait 24 hours to try again. These factors are set by the card processor and are out of our control.

(2) Try another card.

(3) Call your bank and make sure they are using the address you gave them. Remember that the bank may have two different addresses on file for you: (a) where they send your statements, and (b) the address that is officially registered to the account. These may be the same address, or they may have two different addresses. Make sure your bank is using the one(s) you WANT them to use. If not, tell them what you think of them and ask them to reimburse you for your time that they have wasted with their incompetence. Also make sure they have updated your CURRENT address info to BOTH their home office, and to the card issuer, if it's different (like VISA or MasterCard).

This is a HUGE and growing problem in online sales. It has been going on for years with no relief in sight. Banks have STEADFASTLY refused to get a handle on the problem and to standardize the AVS system between them. This is because they often are NOT VERY SMART. You'd think the prospect of higher profits and lower support expenses would ENTICE the banks to GET THIS RIGHT. But they aren't even smart enough for THAT. Soon, ALL online retailers will be using this system, and the number of wrongly-declined transactions will soar even higher. Will the banks "get it" even then? We doubt it.

You'll be seeing more and more online retailers requiring a 100% accurate and matching AVS result, because if we don't require it, the credit card companies can, and very often do, simply refuse to pay us for transactions in which the AVS system returned any value except "MATCHED". We don't have any choice but to use their lousy system. We just wish they'd make at least a cursory effort to MAKE IT WORK. That really should not be too much to ask.

"WE" are not immune to this either. We often try to use our own cards online, and get hit with this very same problem (REASON 27). In fact, about a third of our own cards get rejected when we try to run shopping cart tests ON OUR OWN STORE. You think YOU'RE angry? --Not even, compared to US.