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Where's My Order!?
How Soon Can I Get My Order!?

My God! I ordered FIVE HOURS AGO and my order STILL hasn't arrived!
I'm going to tell everyone I know that you're a bunch of ASSHOLES!

About Shipping:
Choose the appropriate option during checkout

NOTE: Orders shipped via USPS will not usually show current tracking data until one or several days AFTER your order arrives (Thanks, USPS!)

USPS tracking page

Have your item re-delivered within
12 days of the first delivery attempt

Go here if your item has been returned to us

 

 

TRACKING NUMBERS: (All)
Tracking numbers are sent to the customer BY THE CARRIER, and NOT by us. We will NOT send out duplicate tracking numbers if the customer loses the one they are sent. Due to the sheer number of customers who lose their tracking numbers, sending out new ones would require that we pay someone to do this several hours per day.. Thank you for understanding.

RUSH: (Domestic)
If you choose "RUSH" your order will usually be manufactured and shipped within 24 hours and will ship out by Overnight. This may still take approximately 2-3 days to arrive, depending on what time of day the order actually leaves the shop, holidays, weekends, etc. CAVEAT: Due to the reprehensibly irresponsible actions and non-existent work-ethics of virtually ALL carriers, we do not guarantee ANY specific timelines for delivery. In order of reliability, from best to worst, we have found the following: USPS, FED-EX, UPS, DHL. USPS loses or destroys roughly one in every 300 shipments; UPS was losing or destroying roughly one in every 40 shipments; for Fed-Ex, it was roughly one in every 100; for DHL it was roughly one out of every 20 shipments. Shipping in the U.S. has devolved to be something akin to shipping in any other Third World country. We can only use the most reliable carrier and pray.

Any Other Method: (Domestic)
If you choose any other shipping option or mode, your order will usually be manufactured within 24 hours, but depending on workloads may not be manufactured for up to approximately 72 hours; then shipped by regular ground methods, arriving, generally, in 3-7 days after they're shipped. CAVEAT: Due to the reprehensibly irresponsible actions and non-existent work-ethics of virtually ALL carriers, we do not guarantee ANY specific timelines for delivery. In order of reliability, from best to worst, we have found the following: USPS, FED-EX, UPS, DHL. USPS loses or destroys roughly one in every 300 shipments; UPS was losing or destroying roughly one in every 40 shipments; for Fed-Ex, it was roughly one in every 100; for DHL it was roughly one out of every 20 shipments. Shipping in the U.S. has devolved to be something akin to shipping in any other Third World country. We can only use the most reliable carrier and pray.

International:
International shipping is back! International orders can take from 5 to 30 days FROM THE TIME THEY'RE SHIPPED! International orders can get hung up in Customs for indeterminate amounts of time (Australia, surprisingly, is the worst for this). One caveat for International customers, however: We're unable to buy insurance on shipments to certain countries. Usually these are obscure places like Upper French Mongolia or Lower Sudanese Sankukustan, and NIGERIA (don't even TRY to order from Nigeria) but in those cases we may (and probably will) cancel the order. Mainstream destinations like Great Britain, Australia, Hong Kong, Scandinavia, Canada, etc. etc., are no trouble whatsoever (well, Canada has been problematic over the last couple of years, mainly due to Canadian carriers simply losing our shipments; this is happening in Canada more than in all other countries of the world combined). We will ONLY ship to the verified card address and a delivery signature with ID is required. Credit card fraud is prosecuted Internationally just as it is in the US. Once you're on the credit card fraudster list, even if you haven't been prosecuted, you may be denied entry into the US even twenty years from now. It simply isn't worth it for some $17 gag item -- but then crooks aren't known for being the brightest bulbs in the string. WE RESERVE THE RIGHT TO CANCEL CERTAIN INTERNATIONAL ORDERS AT OUR DISCRETION. CAVEAT: Due to the reprehensibly irresponsible actions and non-existent work-ethics of virtually ALL carriers, we do not guarantee ANY specific timelines for delivery. In order of reliability, from best to worst, we have found the following: USPS, FED-EX, UPS, DHL. USPS loses or destroys roughly one in every 300 shipments; UPS was losing or destroying roughly one in every 40 shipments; for Fed-Ex, it was roughly one in every 100; for DHL it was roughly one out of every 20 shipments. Shipping in the U.S. has devolved to be something akin to shipping in any other Third World country. We can only use the most reliable carrier and pray. If you prefer (for some reason unknown and unknowable to us), you may pay for International orders by bank transfer using the data on THIS page.

By the way, why are your International shipping charges so high?

When some slithering little credit card fraudster cheats us in the U.S., we have a veritable plethora of domestic tools at our disposal with which to track them, find them, prosecute them, and usually get our money back. There are fewer tools available to us in other countries. We therefore charge a higher handling fee on International orders to offset this problem.

eCheck:
Orders paid for by eCheck will NOT ship out until the eCheck clears. Period. We used to sometimes make an exception to that, depending on the product being ordered. Recently, we received an order by eCheck for a man's son's birth announcements. We figured NO ONE would sting us on the birth announcements for their own newborn son, so we stupidly processed the order and shipped out the announcements before the eCheck had cleared. The man signed for them on a Wednesday and cancelled his eCheck that afternoon. We're sick of shysters.

Christmas 2012 :
Christmas in 2012 falls on a Tuesday. Orders placed during the year 2012 are "iffy" at best. Since the Mayan calendar (and others) mysteriously stops at December 21st, 2012 (a Friday -- thank God at least for that), we figure we're all toast and there will be no Christmas at all in 2012. A huge meteor strike? Angry aliens? Bird flu? We're not sure. But we're betting it won't be pretty or fun, and we suggest ordering large quantities of hard booze instead of a fake newspaper for Christmas of 2012.

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Our #1 most-asked question is: "How soon can I get my order?"

We cannot possibly say this enough times:

Please order early enough that if something happens to your order enroute, there will be time to reprint and re-ship it before your deadline.

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All shipping is via the carrier of our choice and may change from order to order. As of 2007 we are tending to use USPS mostly, with Fed-Ex for certain special cases, and UPS not at all, ever, under any circumstances. Why can't we just slip your order in an envelope and ship it for thirty seven cents? We'd love to! Unfortunately, there are so many scammers and rip-off artists on the Internet these days that we must ship via methods that allow for tracking and insurance.

We no longer offer "Two-Day" or "Three-Day" service because as often as not, the carrier can't deliver on time anyway. Sure they "guarantee" their delivery times. But just try to collect on their guarantee. They have a million loopholes, and we can't afford the time to fight with them.

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Unclaimed Orders

We receive a fairly large number of returned orders marked "undeliverable" or "unclaimed". These are held for 30 days, then discarded, unopened. If you haven't received your order please check the tracking system to see if it has been returned to us. If so, you may reclaim it simply by paying for shipping back to you at a valid address.

Items will be returned to us if unclaimed.

Orders are often returned to us due to insufficient address info, or marked "unclaimed".

To have an order re-shipped, please click here

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For more information about "missing" orders click here

And don't miss our UPS SUCKS page

Fake Magazines may take up to five or six days to process.
They are more labor-intensive than other products.

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