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Have You Renewed Your Engine Tabs This Year?
If not, be warned. The Tab Police are on the Prowl.
Copyright 1992 TrixiePixGraphics
Fiction
Published in "Hot Boats", 1993
1826 Words Exactly
I was down at the licensing bureau renewing the monthly engine tabs on my little yacht. It seems they were expired. I didn't even know it-- I guess I'm somewhat irresponsible. But the Tab Police had been doing a routine engine tab inspection along the dock, and I got caught in that dragnet. The fine for having expired engine tabs was only $300, and I was happy to pay it. After all, it's the duty of every American to be sure that he has met all requirements, paid all taxes, renewed all weekly, monthly and annual tabs, affixed, stuck and secured all stickers. But the thing that torqued me was the $250 fine for "improperly displayed" engine tabs. I guess my old one had been put on crooked. And that was the very basis of my argument-- if the Tab Police fined me for not having a current engine tab, then how could they cite me also for having one that wasn't properly displayed? If I didn't have one that was valid, how could I be in trouble for having it on crooked? But they didn't see it my way-- they never do. I had to pay the $300 fine for having no valid engine tab, plus the $250 fine for having the obsolete tab on crooked; then, of course, the $1200 for the new engine tab itself, which many people tend to think is a little steep. I agree. A monthly tab should not be required for an engine, after all. Why can't it be an annual renewal schedule, like in Zimbabwe and Poland?While I was taking care of the engine tab discrepancy, the girl behind the counter stopped talking to her boyfriend long enough to remind me that my sail license was about to expire. I was incensed. Why should I have to renew my sail tabs when I had just installed a new engine two years before, which I planned to use exclusively to propel my boat? And I showed her my engine installation permit to prove it. It seems as though a person ought to only have to have one or the other-- a sail tab, OR an engine tab-- but certainly not both. I told the gal that I frankly had no intention of renewing the sail tabs. There were eleven of them to deal with, after all. I would promise only to use the engine. In fact, I told her, I wouldn't even put the sails ON THE BOAT. I'd leave them in the garage at home. I was promptly fined $50 for talking back to a government employee.
I paid the fine, renewed the sail tabs and bought a new sticker for the engine as well. Then I breathed a sigh of relief. At least my tiny ship was finally legal. I even purchased the controversial wind-use licensing tab that allowed me, unlike most of my unfortunate neighbors, to sail in southeasterly winds, as well as westerlies. I thought this quite a coup.
Upon my return to the boat to install the aforementioned tabs, I noticed a small group of people congregated on the dock. They were discussing the fate of poor Bob-- the Tab Police had just hauled him off to jail. Seems he had forgotten to get the appropriate permit when he changed his oil. Horrified for a moment, I asked if, God forbid, Bob had actually spilled any oil during the operation. I was quickly assured he had not. Nothing like that, they said. No, Bob had only tried to change the oil without buying an oil change license. Not very smart, they said. It will cost him half a mil to get out of prison, while the permit itself would have only been a few thousand dollars. Penny wise, everyone said. But dollar stupid. They all nodded solemnly, then the group dispersed. I felt bad for poor Bob, but certainly "I" would never be caught at anything that irresponsible.
Down in the engine room of my little yacht I stripped off the offending expired engine tab, and carefully installed the new one, using the sticker installation tool that came with it. Sure, the tool was extra, but have you ever tried to attain the precise and lawful alignment of your tabs without one? I had just paid a fine for that very offense, and figured the tab installation tool was the way to go this year.
I found myself wondering if a permit was required to remove the old sticker, and perhaps yet another one to dispose of it. I wasn't sure-- it didn't seem reasonable-- but still, I wrapped the old sticker in a tiny bag and set it afire in the wood stove, hoping to destroy the evidence. No one had actually seen me remove it, but it sure wouldn't pay to leave it lying around somewhere.
But before the flames had fully engulfed the small wad I remembered that I had never gotten around to getting a stove license for this boat. I'd had one on the old boat, but didn't plan to actually use the stove on this newer vessel; it was just for decoration, as it was far too costly to stay warm. The stove inspection fee was one thing-- a guy could afford a few hundred dollars for that after all. But they really stuck it to a guy on the use permit. And the wood gathering and storage permits were just out of sight, and had been ever since it was determined that the storage of firewood was toxic to the environment. The whole thing was beyond my budget.
I snuffed out the smoldering remains of the crumpled engine tab, hoping no one had seen the smoke. There was a hefty reward for turning in illegal stove users. The proceeds from that alone would pay a man's stove license fee for nearly a year! Stealthily peering out a plastic porthole I saw no one about on the docks, and was reasonably sure the infraction hadn't been witnessed. Of course there were well documented cases of fellows getting nailed by the smoke bounty hunters. Those guys could spot a three foot tendril of recycled paper smoke from a mile away, and a single match, it was rumored, at a cool hundred yards. There weren't too many of the smoke bounty hunters around, actually. It had something to do with a binocular tax that had gone right through the roof. The Official Smoke Police were a force to be reckoned with nevertheless, but they are a Federal entity, and you don't see them too often.
I crammed the half burned wad which contained my freshly removed engine tab into a small crack under a settee. I didn't care to leave it there long, but first thing in the morning, I promised myself, soon as I got new stickers for my SCUBA gear, I'd make a dive in the harbor and bury the old engine tab deep in the mud on the bottom of the bay. I'd be reasonably safe in that way, just in case I was supposed to have gotten a tab removal permit and disposal license. I wouldn't even bother with a dive permit, I promised myself. Sometimes you just have to be a rebel.
A guy doesn't like to cheat his government, but once in awhile an honest mistake is made, and I certainly couldn't see paying for an action that was not malicious in intent. Why, I'd jerked that engine tab off before I even thought about the removal permit. Next time, I promised myself, I'd check first.
When I had finished all restickering tasks aboard I took a leisurely walk around the craft, just to be sure it was ship shape and met all state, county, federal, geographic, regional, hemispheric, township, city, neighborhood, harbor and dock-specific requirements, laws and regulations. I thought I'd about covered it when, to my horror, I noticed that my anchor tax stamp had apparently washed off the fluke of my Danforth. It's a wonder the Tab Police hadn't noticed it earlier This must be, I thought, my lucky day.
The actual permit is affixed to the anchor, of course, and then you must turn in a small, completed form to document each anchoring session. If you lose one of your allotted forms, you will not be issued a replacement, so folks are very careful with their anchor-use documentation forms. The anchor tax is a bit of a rip-off though, and there is an increasing sentiment against it. Of course no one would ever speak out loud about their dissatisfaction with the fee-- who would take a chance on inviting an inspection by the Tab Police? No sane man would risk such a thing. But the anchor tax and use-permit is supposed to cover the anchor for five uses, of not more than six hours each. Of course that in itself is a problem, because you usually end up anchoring for eight hours, since the harbor permit in most American harbors gives you that amount of time, at least in the northwestern states. Florida, I hear, gives you twelve full hours, but New York only gives you three. In all states except New York, you end up using two six hour periods on your anchor permit, just for one eight hour night on your harbor permit. And then, after you've anchored two nights, using two allotments per night, you end up with this fifth anchor-use documentation form that's not good for anything. So you have to use the left-over anchor-use documentation form from a second anchor use permit-- but who can afford two of those in the same year? Usually, the fifth documentation form gets lost in a drawer somewhere over the winter and never used, and of course it's no good the following season. I think that's a premeditated strategy by the government. They can charge more for an anchor-use permit that only makes you think you're getting a good deal. I vowed to renew my anchor tax sticker immediately. Mine had apparently washed off after only one use. Cheap glue.
I checked my mooring lines to be sure they were current and showed valid inspection tabs. They did. My mast license would expire in three months. Luckily, you only had to renew THAT tab every TWO years. I'm sure that's an oversight by the regulatory committees, and will be rectified soon. On the East Coast, after all, the mast tabs must be renewed every three months. But then that's the East Coast. We do things a little differently out here in the West. We're a free-spirited breed, hard to control and intimidate. The bureaucrats better just watch out.